I tried, I never stopped moving, until recently. I had nothing left inside of me to keep going. My body, and my mind was tired. Tired of sore wounds not healing, and I’m breaking down. And for the sake of my child, I cannot break. Not now. Theres a lot of hurt after separating, even more when theres a child involved. This was a shock for some, my relationship has ended, and it ended for some time now. But just recently is when It finally hit me.
This isn’t a guide on how to co- parent without killing each other, because I have to admit and be truthful, you do feel like throwing something and sometimes you do. I am angry and expressing anger is a part of healing. I have every right to feel this way, we have waved our flags, our mouths wont allow another hurtful word to escape. I am simply quiet. I looked at my child yesterday and started to cry, I want better for her, I want for her what I never had. Parent’s that gaze in each others eyes, and you can see all the love they have for one another without a touch, just a naked stare. I expected more from us.
Hearing the words “ I don’t want to fix this” on the other end of the phone before going underground to catch the only train that was running, the Q train. The train I met him on. Why is that? Why would that be the only available train that could take me home. I looked up and started laughing. Seriously? The universe was trying me, am I really crying on the Q train? I hate that letter now. I hopped on with Ava on my lap, and each stop was like reliving all the hardships in our relationship. I was contemplating if I should even get off at the right stop, because I felt as though me getting closer to the end of my trip, heading home, would confirm the end of us.
God never showed me a sign that we should end our relationship. There was no sign that said ‘give up.’ Until now. I left my tears on that train. It’s over. Life will have you waiting for some kind of confirmation, and during that wait time, you grow, learn and transform. We learned more about each others needs before the final departure. So with all that we learned and all that we know triggers us, those demons won’t win us over while we co-parent. We weren’t ready to part ways the 24th time we said it was over. If we walked out on each other then, we would have failed miserably, to ourselves and our daughter.
Now that we have come to terms with our relationship status, our Daughter is and will forever come first. We are still a family, our lifestyle won’t change, trips will be spent together, and we will still have fun as a whole, but how can we put or defensive and ego demeanor aside? MATURITY. It’s what keeps separated parents civil and even great friends after a break up. Support, communication & my favorite, unconditional love. I have realized through this time We’re both hurt, I wont rush his healing process, because I know how that feels. To not talk about what bruised you and let it go. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel like a failure. I have no control over this. I do however, have control over what my daughter witnesses and my emotions. Right now I don’t want to say who’s to blame, there is no victim, we shouldn’t point fingers and call each other out on empty promises.
My entire focus is on a child we brought into this world. A little girl who spends the majority of her time with her mother. I want her to see me survive this. Her parents need to be consistent. I want her see that even though mama and dada aren’t together love takes over all of this. It feels like the end but its not. I need this time to heal so I can be the parent my child deserves. I want to provide her with a happy space filled with light, its possible, her parents just have to put in the work. We’ll survive from this.
Peace & Love,